Getting through Mother's Day when you're struggling with infertility

After four cycles of IVF, Sydney couple Romney and Glen Hamilton made the decision not to start a fifth round when her father died.

The decision to "move forward" means the pain of not having a child often unseen on Mother's Day, 40-year-old Romney says.

"The waves of grief from infertility come and go, but they are more apparent on days like Mother's Day and people forget so easily."

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Just weeks before Mother's Day last year, Melbourne woman Alisha Waters was told she and her husband would be unlikely to conceive children.

"[Our fertility specialist] diagnosed me with endometriosis and said that was impacting my fertility, and that my husband's sperm was essentially useless," the 33-year-old recalls.

She says Mother's Day was a particularly tough time.

"I worked that day, and there were a lot of people at work celebrating Mother's Day.

"One woman wished me a happy Mother's Day. I said, 'Thanks, but I don't have any kids', and she said 'Well, happy Mother's Day for the future'.

"It was really hard to hear a month after I found out I was never going to have kids."

There are many reasons people may find Mother's Day difficult, including child loss, the death of a parent, or strained relationships.

Fertility reproductive counsellor Narelle Dickinson says the celebration can also be triggering for people who have experienced infertility or are trying for a baby.

"For a day or a month which celebrates motherhood so obviously and publicly, it can feel like a real marker of a dream that hasn't been achieved," says Ms Dickinson, based in Brisbane/Meanjin.

"It can feel almost like a personal attack."

The "invisible grief" of infertility means it's easily overlooked around Mother's Day, says Ms Dickinson.

"There is so much media marketing around Mother's Day; you can't go to the shops without seeing signage everywhere.

"Having to go to the family do, and watch everyone else do all the lovely Mother's Day things, when they are unable to have that same celebration — it feels extremely painful."

Nicole Highet is the CEO and founder of COPE (the Centre of Perinatal Excellence) and says childlessness and infertility can be a "very isolating experience".

"Mother's Day is a reminder of what you don't, or can't, have. You feel like you can't talk about it."

She says people might feel distressed around this time, experiencing feelings of grief, sadness and even anger.

Ms Dickinson says International Bereaved Mother's Day, held on the first Sunday in May, can help those who have experienced loss feel seen.

"It's an acknowledgement for families who have had pregnancy or child loss."

For those who are trying to conceive, Ms Dickinson says Mother's Day is a milestone that can remind them they're "not there yet".

"All of these major holidays or celebrations tend to mark another year or milestone of when someone expected they would be pregnant or have had a child.

"People do the 'I'll have a baby by Christmas', 'I'll have a baby by my birthday', 'I'll be a mother by Mother's Day', so when those milestones roll around and we're not there, it emphasises that in a very painful way."

People may also experience pressure from family and friends, and intrusive questions about how their fertility journey is going.

While managing your social media intake around Mother's Day to avoid displays of motherhood can be a good idea, Ms Highet suggests you might also find support online.

"Hearing of other people's stories can let people know they are not alone."

Facebook support groups and other networks including World Childless Week and The Truth are some examples.

Ms Dickinson says it's OK to set boundaries and let people know you might need to withdraw around this time.

"You may feel like you don't want to participate [in celebrations] to protect yourself."

Romney Hamilton says she is learning to cope, focusing on celebrating her mum and sister, while still acknowledging her own grief.

"Mother's Day is a beautiful celebration, but unless a person goes through loss and infertility, it's very hard to understand the depth of pain that comes with it."

Alisha will be holidaying in France on Mother's Day.

"I even told my husband, 'Thank God I won't be here for Mother's Day'.

"I like it for other people, but at the same time I don't want people to say stupid things."